Motherhood chronicles 

I sometimes wonder if I am doing a good enough job.  I sometimes wonder do I play enough with my kids. Do I read enough? Do I nurture enough? Do I show them that I love them enough? Do I give them enough attention? Am I listening?Am I failing them?

Sometimes I feel like i am failing terribly. Failing as a mother, failing as a wife.  Most days I am tired.  My days (workdays) usually start around 4am and end around 11pm I have to squeeze in an 8 hour shift, 2 hour commute (combined both ways), waking, washing, feeding and dressing my kids, getting them out the house to the sitters, make sure they’ve had dinner and situate them in the evenings to be in bed by 8. 3 hours I have to unwind, tick off my to do list, get some stuff around the house done… (Mainly concerning the kids) then back at it again.

I’m tired….. But i can’t be tired. I am not allowed to rest…. It’s unthinkable to unwind. He works his days starts at 530… I don’t know when his day ends.

I don’t know when his day end! What kind of wife have I become?

We barely speak.

We’ve lost that spark.

I love him.

I am disgusted as well.

I don’t do my wifely duties…. I don’t feel I should be obligated to spread my legs open when you haven’t given anything worth my offering.

You no longer ask.

No longer affectionate.

I’m no longer affectionate.

We are kind of just there…. Sitting in stagnant water. Nothing being done, nothing being said. Pushed apart.

No talking.

Sleeping in separate rooms.

Can’t stand the site of one another  maybe?

I’m failing my husband…. I am a failure.
We play nice in public…. No one would ever suspect.

But am I failing my kids?

It’s the one thing I never want to fail at…. Scared I’ll loose you… Scared I’ll push you away…. I don’t want to fail parenting

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s