Change

“Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.” (Psalm 139:23-24

I am wondering dear lord is It me? Am I the problem? Am I too defensive? Am I unknowingly offensive? Am I anxious and nervous for nothing?
I trust you lord, but is my trust in you reflected in my words, actions, reactions and ways?

Dear lord forgive me if I have offended others. Forgive me if I have overreacted. Forgive me for being over emotional.

Sometimes we are quick to blame others without looking at the man or woman in the mirror. We are quick to blame others without seeing the bigger picture.

We need to think, rationalize not jump the gun. We need to take it easy. (Actually to quote one of my professors "Cojelo con el take it easy okay mama".)

Proverbs 16:32 ESV /m
Whoever is slow to anger is better than the mighty, and he who rules his spirit than he who takes a city.

We can all heed this advice. Myself, you, even our President. We all have had moments of reacting…. and over reacting.

I'm wondering the cycle of behavior patterns if that's something one can truly change. I can lift my hands and ask you dear lord for guidance. Not everyone understands the power in reaching out to you can do.

I spent 14 years with my husband, 9 of those years married. I uprooted myself to be with him. Moved to his side of time which is about a half hour to forty five minute drive to my everything, my life line, my family, at the time my friends. Some of my anger which comes up during arguments is the notion of being uprooted.

Building a relationship with my husband I lost many. I always put him first. Yet I still tried my best to be there for my family, friends and loved over time, distances grew and I've had to make a choice. My house hold or yours?

How much sacrifice I have to make for those whom don't appreciate my efforts. How much more sacrifice do I need to make for those whom don't acknowledge what I've done in their lives. Why sacrifice for people whom don't even look for you?

Tensions buildup, external and internal reasons for them. Quick to explode, quick to snap, quick to anger.

Why though? Over the trivial things that we keep thinking of. Right now I'm only briefly mentioning things that bother me from time to time, but we all go through experiences like this. We bottle things up that bother us up and snap.

Think about this: for many years I've said I uprooted myself from my family and friends for you, dear husband…. for you. I've stopped going out, stopped seeing people since you had me move with you. Deflecting to the real problem. Deflecting from the truth. Deflecting from admitting I had a choice.

I chose not to go out when invited, because of my own fears and insecurities based off where I live. I never wanted to be caught walking out late alone.

I chose not to travel sometimes because my commute is longer using mass transit (before we had a car). Blaming my husband for my own inability to accept what was really going on.

God had pulled me away from toxic people. God was even pulling me away from toxic relatives…. you know the ones that milk you until you have no milk left. You know the toxic friends….the ones that want you to binge drink with them until you all pass out.

Toxic relationships.
Relationships which did not honor gods will.

My husband was a pawn, by God to get me away from what distracted me from my reality. My husband was used by God to reopen my eyes and get me back on my feet. I was also a pawn used by God to get my husband to accept him as his lord and savior and serve him dutifully.

My lord has taught me time and time again how one can change. How one can be used for his greatness. How we need to open up and look at the bigger picture.

My dear lord thank you father for another day to write, worship, praise your name and analyze the great deeds you've done in my life. Without you lord I am nothing. You are the god of my fathers, the god of Abraham, the god our father, the king of all kings dear lord. I love you with all my might and my being. I thank you for the lessons of life you present me. I pray for forgiveness if I have offended anyone. I ask you for forgiveness dear lord for I am human and have sinned. I ask for forgiveness and redemption in your holy name. Amen

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