My long lost Hollywood

It’s been 13 years since I’ve seen you.

Yes I have kept count.

16 years since I’ve laid next you, embraced in your arms.

16 years since I told you, I loved you.

Yet recently I have found myself near the place it all began.

I miss you.

I’ll always love you.

I should’ve never walked away.

You weren’t the one that got away, you were the one I pushed away, because I loved you so much, and was afraid. I was afraid of what we could become.

I was afraid of what we had.

I was afraid of telling you the truth.

I was afraid of telling you about my miscarriage.

I was afraid of telling you, that I wanted nothing more than to pursue everything you shared with me, alongside with you.

Knowing full well you supported my endeavors, my dreams, my passions and desires…. and baby you know I always had your back. I helped you, when you went back to school…. I knew what we were capable of…. and that scared me.

I wanted to settle down with you, when you mentioned it.

But I started to push away.

I saw other people.

I stopped answering your calls.

One night you called me drunk.

Confessing.

My heart broke.

I was with another man that night.

The same man I married.

I loved you.

I was scared of a future with you.

I still love you.

I will always love you.

Everyday I walk to the place it all started.

I sit by the water.

I think of you.

I am reminded of you.

I am reminded of us.

You still have that affect on me.

I am reminded of the way you made love.

I am reminded of your gentle touches.

I am reminded of your embrace.

I am reminded of your sweet face.

I am reminded of your passion.

I am reminded of your kisses.

I am reminded of every essence of you.

3 weeks assigned to my new location, near where it all began….

3 weeks I think of nothing but you.

Praying for you.

Praying for your family.

Hoping you got what you once saw as your future.

Hoping you got your family.

The family I was scared I couldn’t give you.

My son was born a day after our sons due date….5 days after your birthday.

The son you didn’t know I carried, the son you didn’t know I lost. The son I knew I would’ve named after you. The son I never got a chance to hold. The loss that caused my downward spiral.

I was terrified to tell you.

I knew how you felt about having a child.

I had already lost our son. I didn’t want to loose you with him.

Yet I did.

I lost you both forever.

Because I was scared.

Holding on to this secret.

Holding on this pain I didn’t want you to live…..and you know why.

I drowned my sorrows with alcohol.

You asked me to tone it down.

I drowned my sorrows with partying.

You asked me to tone it down.

I drowned my sorrows with other men and traveling the world and seeking adventures.

You asked me to travel with me, to go on adventures with me, and asked me to stop befriending these other guys.

I am sorry.

I probably won’t ever get a chance to tell you in person…. because I have not seen you and doubt I ever will….but with all my soul and all my heart I hope you feel it… I am sorry my love.

Last night I dreamt of you.

I poured out my soul to you.

You poured out yours too.

I was with you, talking to you, happy to see you. Nervous to be in front of you. Like time never passed…. it was just us again…. for one last moment. In my dream I told you I loved you still and forever will. In my dream I confessed to you what I was to scared to tell you. In my dream I told you why I left and never came back. In my dream I apologized to you.

Then you said something in my dream.

I will not share here.

I know God works in mysterious ways.

I know God uses dreams as visions and symbols to get a message across.

The message I received from you scared me.

Broke my heart.

Are you suffering?

In pain?

Needing interception on your behalf?

I began to cry.

I began to pray.

This dream felt too real.

Especially the ending.

I’m anguished, because I feel your anguish.

I’m in pain, because I feel your pain.

I have never woken up from a dream like this.

I can’t stop the tears from flowing.

I have had dreams of you in the past, but nothing like this.

Feeling what your feeling.

I sit here worried over you.

So my darling, my first love, my heart… I am praying over you. Sending you love and healing wherever you are.

Sending you strength, hope, faith and all my love.

I wouldn’t be the woman I am today, had it not been for you. You have taught me so much, about myself as a woman, to embrace my sexuality, to explore my desires and to live in the moment. I learned to love a man, deeply and passionately because of you.

Aside from my husband, I never loved anyone the way I love you.

My other partners were just men who attempted to fill a void I knew they would never be able to fill, because you will always have a part of me. I married my husband once I accepted the fact I already loved with all my heart once. I married my husband after I learned to love with all that I had left with my heart…..the new all that remained, because you still hold the rest.

Still praying over you, even as I write this. Praying for your health, your happiness, your wellbeing, for strength, peace and your family.

If anyone who reads this knows why God would wake me from a dream feeling like I was feeling, the dream was us just talking, nothing sexual, my love and me talking, But me feeling his pain, his anguish, I learned something new about him, something I hope is not true. But I woke up feeling it all. Just as he felt it in his dreams.

Is he suffering?

Is he calling out for help?

Is God trying to send me a message?

Or is it just a dream?

Help please!

My Hollywood, because I will never use your real name here, I lift you up in prayers. I serve a merciful and forgiving God whose love endures forever. God allowed me to dream with you. A scenario was given to me in this dream and I am unsure how to interpret it. Yet I woke up feeling your pain and your anguish. I woke up fighting back tears. Feeling your pain. Feeling your suffering. Feeling your anguish. I pray that god brings you forth healing. That god answers your prayers. That god gives you strength in your moment of weakness. May you be comforted and be embraced by God. May you find the peace you seek. May you know I will always pray for you and continue to love you unconditionally from afar. May you bounce back to where you need to be spiritually and physically. May God place his hands over you and may you be filled with his grace. God I feel this anguish from Hollywood…. please guide him. Thank you lord for allowing me to feel connected to him. Thank you lord for using me to help intercede in his pain. Thank you lord for your love and mercy. Love you my God. In the name of the Father, the son and the Holy Spirit. Amen.

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