“Be merciful, just as your Father also is merciful.”
Luke 6:36 HCSB
“I am able to do all things through Him who strengthens me.”
Philippians 4:13 HCSB
Philippians 4:13 has been my verse of refuge, strength and comfort since my teenage years. Luke 6:36 is my reminder that his merciful needs to be reciprocated.
I haven’t posted since December 2022. A lot had happened. 2022 was an emotional roller coaster ride. 2023 continues to be so as well. 2022 we lost loved ones, my niece was born, we battled illnesses, my heart was broken, 2023 continued with more medical hurdles with my kids. We got diagnoses for one and slowly things are starting to normalize.
In my pain I relied heavily on Philippians 4:13, the power of the Holy Spirit and my two best friends. I needed them one for spiritual guidance the other to keep me in check and remind me why I do what I do. Both gave sound and different advice from different perspectives.
Many a times I have felt like I have lost a peace of myself. Felt like I have to start re getting aquatinted with me, get to know me. I got lost in the everyday shuffle of marriage and parenthood and even caring for my elder parents & my special needs adult sibling. Juggling and balancing between finding time for me and yet still doing my day to day activities.
I began a path of re- self discovery. My heart May have been broken but I have not destroyed the bonds that God put forth together. In a marriage where many if they knew what happened would recommend divorce. Trying to navigate and listen to the spirit to see what does God want me to do in this situation.
In the meantime before I take any steps whether of reconciliation or independence I need to rediscover myself.
So I have gone rediscovering what brings me joy, where do I find my peace. Where do my children and I thrive the best? The wholesome answer is not where we thought it would be. It’s everywhere and anywhere he’s not.
I am a believer of in sickness and in health. The good and the bad, until death do us part. I met a man who had many vices and addictions and still accepted his marriage proposal not in hopes to change him, but because he was good. Throughout the years he got rid of some of his vices on his own. But there was this one underlying vice and addiction he has that had put us in a place we are because either I did not realize how bad he was addicted to that or maybe I may have overlooked it.
That addiction is what ruined it all in 2022 because a line was seriously crossed. Be merciful the word says because god surly has been merciful with me. I too have my vices and my battles but never do I let them control me. I do not let temptation get the better of me. I know my limitations.
Some people have no boundaries nor standards nor self control. Because of the location the incident that was the final nail in the coffin for me atleast it makes me wonder where else has this been done. Was it also done at church? At work? While we have been away? Months later I learned the answer was yes to all, except church, that I know of. Maybe he does have some boundaries he’s not willing to cross, then again I don’t know.
What I do know is, I don’t know what am I to do. Other than maintain stability for my Children, ensuring their welfare is not affected, ensure they are in a good place. Ensure they are provided and cared for. In the meantime I need to get myself together. I’ve been slowly picking up my pieces.
I was scared of going down the rabbit hole once again. The difference between now and last time was that I opened up. My two best friends I let them in. One gave me spiritual counseling the other gave me life talk, street talk, kept it real. I need both. I have leaned in one more than the other, have been broken and vulnerable with this individual and these two have helped me pick up my crumbling pieces and I am indebted to them for the emotional help they have provided. One for being there literally to hold me as I cried non stop and then to distract me.
While raising my kids I’ve always put them first. Everywhere everything I did they were always with me. I always plan activities and trips based on what they want to do and experience. Even my birthdays they have converted to days they can celebrate me while making sure they have fun. They always plan things for them really lol and I let them run with it. Time and time again I’ve been told, you need to let go, you need to leave them with him, he is never around, it’s always you and the kids, he shows up when he knows he has to, but it’s always you watching and caring the kids and not him. Go to dinner I’ve been told, without the kids and leave them with him.
I’ll be honest the thought of leaving him with the kids for a very long time scared me. He would fall asleep on the couch and I can’t trust him alone. Now they are older….they are self sufficient, one cooks, they both know to navigate the kitchen safely. The younger one and the microwave are bffs lol. They both are good. They both have cells so can call me and do whenever I do go out. I am now ok, at leaving them with him so I can go out.
He says I am having a mid life crisis. Maybe I am. Maybe I am just tired of no longer knowing who I am. Maybe I am just so disappointed in myself for not seeing the red flags. Maybe I am upset at myself for turning a blind-eye. Maybe I just need an outlet to let it all out, and that outlet is not with him.
I sometimes wonder what would have happened if I would have packed my belongings and the children’s belonging. I sometimes wonder what would happen. I sometimes wonder if I could have done things differently that maybe things would have been different. Yet in cases of addictions there is no way to determine what and how people will react to things.
What does bother me is the distrust that I know have. Sometimes it is hard to forgive. Then I think about the story in Matthew 18.
21 Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, “Lord, when someone[d] won’t stop doing wrong to me, how many times must I forgive them? Seven times?”
22 Jesus answered, “I tell you, you must forgive them more than seven times. You must continue to forgive them even if they do wrong to you seventy-seven times.
Matthew 18: 21-22
We are to forgive anyone who does wrong to us. We are to always forgive them. Why would Jesus say this even if they wronged you 77 times, that you are to forgive the m 77 times? Well how many times has God forgiven us for our own sins? Every single day. He even died on the cross for our sins.
In Christ we are made free by his blood sacrifice. We have forgiveness of sins because of God’s rich grace.
So I know I need to be more merciful, I know I need to forgive. I know battling addiction is probably not easy. Despite everything that I have endured and I have faced. I always come back to thinking, look at all the things that the Lord has forgiven me for. Things I know I do not deserve to be forgiven for. He has taken be back; the prodigal child was I. When I too once battled alcohol and substance abuse addiction to help drown my sorrows. He forgave me for all those sins. He forgave me for all my trespasses. How can I not forgive, even in my pain, knowing that I may have also caused the Lord pain.
Trust is something that once broken is not always amendable. Yet I also think back to how many times I may have broken the trust the Lord had in me. He knows It has not been an easy journey. It has been painful. It has been exhausting, it has been mentally draining. It has been a lot. Jesus said to forgive; so forgive is what I have to do.
Lord You know what I have been through, Lord you know the pain and the tears I have shed. Lord you know the damage that was faced. You know lord that I have lost trust and even love, Yet at my worst you have still forgiven me. Lord I ask you to give me the guidance and the wisdom to be able to have mercy and to forgive. Lord I ask for your directions in all things my lord. I ask that you help me and lead me to my next path. I ask that you give me wisdom lord so that I may not make any decisions without putting you in the center of it. Lord I ask that the tears stop flowing and this pain to stop; I ask lord for you to give me grace and mercy so i can be graceful and merciful in this path. amen.
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